The Plight of the Educated Woman

by the way…one great date with a guy from CT

& your best friend is already planning on how her (and her baby) will pick you up 1 weekend a month from the ferry when you move for love.

LOL I love my best friend ;) she’s a flipping pisser!

please don’t write me off as a bitch…

I  had a lunch date on Saturday with a guy from eHarm. Currently, I am 26. In April, my brother will turn 25, and in July I will turn 27. I don’t really like dating guys my brother’s age which is a personal problem I realize, but it goes back to my relationship with my brother. But back to the dater. So this guy’s profile says he is 25. He looks wicked familiar-we graduated from the same undergrad, a pretty small local commuter college, but I graduated in ‘07 and he in ‘09.

He messaged me first on eharm last Saturday, I got back to him after the wedding I was in. We exchanged phone numbers about Tuesday, and then he wanted to add me on FB, in fact he was a bit aggressive about it. We never spoke on the phone and he was pretty communicative via text. After the FB add, later that day he wanted to know if I’d found anything interesting on his profile.

Well, I did find something of interest on his profile-which I swear I only looked at after his insistence. He posted a status that was pretty recent-might have been over a month ago but it was visible without too much scrolling-that he was subbing at X school, and the last time he was with that classroom, he was bald. From chemo. So i texted him about something less important first, in response to his question. Then he asked me if there was anything else I found interesting, so I tried as diplomatically as possible to say that I read he had beaten cancer, and I’m sorry that he had to go through it but relieved for him. Not quite in those words, but…as diplomatically as possible.

I thought, maybe this was his way of not having to speak about it, that it would be easier for me to read it on Fb, or maybe he was worried I’d run away if I knew.

About my profile: later that day he wanted to know why I had listed a different town on FB than I did on eHarm. (I still have the town I grew up in listed as my hometown on FB, which is fine because anyone who knows me knows I grew up on eastern LI…).

So we text a little each day until about 7:50am Saturday, he texts to make sure we have the same location of Applebees, there being quite a few in our general area. Now he knew I had work in the morning, but…he’s kind of lucky that I had gotten up early to straighten my hair and the whole nine yards because I don’t take kindly to being woken up early and it was the 2nd time he had texted me so early that week. (My apologies to educators and others who have to wake up super early, but I work until 9pm 3-5 nights a week-don’t necessarily expect me to be up bright and early the next day!) Not the end of the world, I just found it a bit strange he assumed I’d be up at the ass crack of dawn everyday like he is…

Whatever I was up, no biggie. Figure I’ll mention it to him eventually in a nice way. So as I leave my Saturday shift at 1pm and make the 10min drive to our meeting location, he texts to tell me text him when I arrive. Fine. He doesn’t recognize me at first when we get there, and after we’re seated he just staring at me. Eyes wide, expression not exactly inviting. I try to come up with topics to engage the conversation: the Mets (he’s wearing a Mets tee & a nearby tv is playing one of their pre-season games), some of the college professors we both shared, travel (basically he hasn’t been anywhere new since his senior year of high school…). And although we talk, the conversation isn’t fluid, never reaches a volley. You know, when the ball goes back and forth without being dropped, and you’re having a discussion without awkward pauses, or if there is a second of awkwardness it is recovered quickly. This was not how this lunch date was going, at all. When he asked me if I knew a girl from my hometown, I said no and he replied “good” and nothing more. Perhaps she’s the girl in a great deal of his FB photos? I didn’t ask.

The only time he became engaged was when talking about his experience with cancer. In fact it was all he wanted to talk about, (except when he lectured me on his relationship with his younger sister when I asked, teasingly, if he played the older protective brother card-they’re 11 years apart, it seemed like a cute enough question-he does not, and I learned all about it). I got an in-depth explanation on how he found out he had cancer, the surgery, recovery and Sloan Kettering.

While I applaud the work of his doctors and his personal strength in fighting a brain tumor, I also felt uncomfortable. We could not determine that we had ever interacted in college. We never spoke on the phone, and nothing of the cancer was listed on his eHarm profile. He encouraged me to FB stalk him and then once I had to announce I knew, suddenly it was the only topic he wanted to talk about (thus not necessarily including me in the conversation). I did try to like, steer the conversation away to something else, and prior to that topic, I tried to keep our conversation going but it takes two sides to volley and he wasn’t playing.

But of course, I feel like a bitch. He beat cancer! Am I heartless? I just feel like, telling me all the details is something that should be reserved for date 2 or 3, when we maybe feel a bit more comfortable around one another.

Bottom line: I don’t feel that he’s ready to start seeing people just yet, he’s not over his experience.  Of course he should be estatic that he beat cancer, elated that he’s a survivor. But leading with that one experience can’t be good.

So, am I a cold heartless bitch? I’d like to think not. I don’t think we’re a match one bit and I can admit I was a bit skeptical once I realized he was on the new side of 25 and I’m on the old side of 26.

This post may self-destruct since I know several librarians who may have had classes with this individual in the education department before going onto library school in grad school, to protect the innocence of the dater.

date recap.

so…I had a third date (2.5? lol) with the guy from the continent, aka CT, on Friday afternoon. We both happened to be off of work for the day, so he hopped a ferry and we took a little walk, got lunch and saw the Lorax. (Props to him for being up for it, though there were very few other movie options at 2pm that were nearby.)

The date was nice enough, the conversation was pretty much kept up. He kissed me as soon as he got off the boat, quickly, because I’d teased him about it over im previously. During our walk by the water, he suggested we take a picture of the two of us, which was cute. When we got to the theater, he was too afraid to put his arm around me.  I ended up stretching out and he was like, oh I didn’t want to make a move on you. =/ …?

After the movie I drove him back to the ferry, and we had a few minutes to kill so we sat on a bench in front of the dock talking. There had been a lot of children in the movie theater, some calling out at the movie which was cute. So we were talking about babies/families, and we’d already established I’d like a child at 30 (gulp, a little over 3 years from now), and he’s on the same level with that. But he was asking me like, if I wanted a boy or a girl, one or more (he’s an only child and doesn’t necessarily want more than 1), and how happy he’d be if he had a boy, or really with any baby. Which was adorable and nice to hear..except we were by this point, in the non-line of 30-ish people waiting to walk onto the ferry and everyone. was. looking. at. us.& eavesdropping.

Even at lunch when there was so few people in the restaurant, he talks a little too loud, and there, the table next to us was blatantly listening in on our conversation. I have lived and worked in the town by the ferry so…I never really know who I’m going to run into, and the baby/future talk made me realllly red and uncomfortable lol. He barely got a cheek kiss and I was outta there!

Conclusion: Not necessarily a deal breaker, and I texted him once he boarded the boat that I felt like everyone was watching us (to which he responded, yes, the woman in front of us definitely was!), and thanked him for the afternoon and all that. We’re going to try to see each other in 2 weeks, depending on our schedules (he travels for work sometimes, and the boat schedule).

I’m not really sure if it’ll work out. He’s…a bit anal about things. He’s a picky eater, and also he needs to be mega super early for everything. Like, he arrived an hour and 15min for the ferry that day-missing the earlier boat by 15min. He could have taken a later boat home but he knew that I had plans with my friends, so he took the ferry back, so that I had basically an hour to kill before I could even drive to my friend’s house or I’d have been sitting in front of her house for an hour before she’d have gotten home from work. I don’t think he’d be comfortable with an overnight date at this point, and I’m not sure me going to CT for 3 hours is worth it (because by the time I get off of work on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon, can get to the ferry, the hour ride there, and the fact that there isn’t much nearby….)

So, we’ll see. This may be my time for a bit of a break in the dating game….

So the Saturday night guy was leaving LI on Monday morning. In an effort to live out Bold Moves 2012, I asked him if I could take him to breakfast before he left (I normally don’t work until 12 on Mondays).
He was enthusiastic about this prospect. We were able to keep up a decent conversation at the diner, though he again asked me several times if I’d want to see him again…& didn’t even kiss me on the cheek.

I’d see him again if we can negotiate our schedules but…the lack of confidence is a bit of a turnoff. He’ll have to plan his own date & stuff, prove he can man-up a bit… He has kept up texting me during the week, but we haven’t had much to talk about. We’ll see if this fizzles/fades or if it’ll surprise me…

Last weekend’s dates…

Not sure why it took me this long to write about ‘em but here goes:
Saturday night guy-
Originally from LI, now living an hour from Bridgeport. Tall, dark hair, bright blue eyes…& doesn’t wear jeans, so he was rocking dress pants, shoes & a polo for our date. Acquired a bit of an accent from college/life off the island. Basically, Traveler but less complicated & actually into me. This guy was nervous, & I basically picked the date-spot…it was major windy or we’d have had a nice walk by the water.
He told me how at someone’s Sweet 16 he grabbed the mic & serenaded his crush with a BSB song; pretty sure BSB wasn’t cool by the time we were juniors in HS (we’re the same age), but props for trying?
The date ended kind of early, because he was nervous. Which kinda stunk b/c he’s on the continent & I’m not sure when I’d get to see him again….

Sunday night guy-
All he talked about was college. Nice guy but not for me…which was fantastic when I meant to text my BFF basically that same info & accidentally sent it to him.
Fail!

The fastest date in [my] dating history

This happened last weekend. I’ll post about this weekend after ive had some time to think about it, & see how things go…

So. I meet a 33y/o from western Nassau county (job: actuary), in a south shore town neither he nor I are particularly familiar with. Why?

Because it appeared warmer than it was & he suggested we take a walk by water somewhere by me, & I couldn’t think of anything noteworthy, & there was no one of use in answering this query on gchat on a bright, sorta-warm Saturday in February at around 2pm.

A coworker suggested we park by a certain establishment, except that there is a restaurant component, and a deli component; and we’re each at a separate place & it takes awhile to figure this out. We meet and he’s an awkward adult (they’re all awkward lately) & I sorta jokingly extend my hand and introduce myself. His celeb lookalike would be Josh Groban but way less attractive & a touch too skinny.

The conversation isnt bad, a touch awkward here or there. He mentions he hates reality tv, but that he watches the jersey shore so as to have a handle on the genre…I’m not really sure, either. After about 30min we have since rounded the body of water, hit the sidewalk back to the 2-part establishment & run out of discussion topics. So he proceeds to bash my career.

Is there even a need for the library as physical space with ereaders & the internet? To which I reply a bit more angry than i probably should be, just, are you kidding me??

I don’t even bother to defend myself, and he rambles about how he used Encarta back in the day, explaining it’s usefulness for the late ‘90’s middle school scholar, as if I hadn’t used the damn resource myself.

I was sort of surprised that he simply walked me to my car after that, no coffee offers or anything. Sort of relieved as well. It was just odd to me. That id driven a half hour each way for a 30min walk with someone who said via email that he was stoked to meet me.

Then around 7pm he sent me a lengthy text message saying he wasn’t sure if it was the cold but he just didn’t feel a spark, and good luck out there. I responded ‘ditto’ only, because I am a wiseass.

& I thought I was awkward…

so one of the guys I was matched with is 34, decent job, nice boy from a nice sorta old school Italian family. The kind of Italian my grandmother would have wept tears of joy over, not the GTL kind. (My dad’s mom used to tell my brother & me we were only Italian, which is such a lie. She was a pisser..fucking Alzheimer’s.)

Anyway. We go through all the eharm stuff, and then email a few times. He then asks if I’d like to speak on the phone. He establishes when would be a good time to call, calls when he says he will. We conversate for about an hour, he asks if he can call in 2 more days. We speak for about a half hour, and then he asks me out for a dinner date. (Gentlemen, please take note!)

The only problem is…on the phone and in person…he apologizes for being awkward. He must have done it 4x in the hour and 15min we were in the restaurant. I would see him again, and I will if he asks me out, but…homeboy needs to not be quite so nervous!!

Also, some of his pictures are rather um, un-attractive. In person he’s actually adorable. Would it be rude if I mentioned he should take down certain pics? They just make him look ridic over-weight and old man-ish when he’s not!

still queen of the awkward moment.

My latest foray back into the world of online dating has resulted in not one but several awkward dates. The first one ill tell ya about is the sales guy who was not a fan of speaking on the phone (I asked him if he wanted to talk for a bit instead of text and his response was “I’m not very good on the phone, just so you’re warned.”)

Umm…you’ve supposedly got a pretty damn good position in sales, you probably had to start out with some sort of cold-calling to get to where you’re at, are you serious?

The phone call was decent, but our schedules are a bit crazy so we decide to meet for Sunday brunch (at first he suggested in his town, but I said perhaps near where I work since I had to clock in at noon, but if I hadn’t I would have been fine with something more half-way, perhaps). My past dating experience has taught me that if I have I make too much of an effort in the beginning, he’s probably not worth my time so it set my radar off a bit.

So, that particular Sunday morning I was staying at my best friend’s new home after her and her husband’s hosewarming. I woke up with the puppy, decided to head home (we’d gotten snow and I wasn’t sure what kind of a cleanup job my landlords had done, if they’d done anything). I came home to a decent job of shoveling but still needed to layer some rock salt down and then napped for an hour, got myself ready and left at 10:10, arriving at 10:27. Our plan was to meet at 10:30.

Before I arrived he texted to say he was running a few min late. Then at 10:30 he said his GPS was all messed up and he was going to be 15min late. Apologies ensued and I was cool about it. He ended up being 40min late. On the flip side, I was in the town I’d be working in, do I turn around and go home for 20min and then come back? Waste of gas. So I organized my purse and utilized the eHarm iPhone app. lol. (and words with friends!)

We manage to score a table inside the place no problem, and he orders an alcoholic beverage. I have to work so no alcohol, I ask for a tea. (This brunch spot has THE biggest cups of tea, it’s heavenly). We order food. A basket of muffins is brought to us, abd when i pass he asks if I’m watching my carbs with a shitty grin. I should have asked him if he thought hebwasvNapolean Dynamite but i didn’t. Otherwise the conversation isn’t bad, except he talks a bit too much, and mentions he’s hungover and left his condo at 10:15. He lives quite a bit farther away then I do…and it made me a teensy bit annoyed. There’s no way he’d make it in 20min…maybe 30 w/o traffic. He was going to cancel but I “seem so sweet.” Ok…

He mentioned he spent a week in France, and I said oh I’ve been too! He looked at my skeptically lol, and then told me about his friend whose mother is from France, they have a home by the sea in southern France, it sounded amazing. He also mentioned he’ll be going to Germany this year, and was obviously gauging my reaction when he said his friends demanded he come, and any girlfriend would have to be understanding that he’d made the plans when he was single.

“Of course you should go!” I said. I sure as shit would never make plans like that and then worry about what a future significant other would say-either I go or I still go and they can fuck off. I didn’t say that to him, but it was interesting to see that he was waiting for my reaction.

Our food took awhile, to the point that by the time it arrived, I had a few bites and then had to leave. “Sorry to dine and dash,” I said, but I had about 10min to drive up to work and clock in. He sent several apologetic text messages, and mentioned that he’d taken my french toast home with him, to which I responded that it was the perfect hangover cure.

my online dating choice…

What made you choose eHarm? Curious. One of my friends met a great guy on there but I have heard mixed reviews.

Hey there, thanks for the question (it’s not the only one I’ve received, my apologies!These 12hour work days are really starting to kick my ass).

Well, having done a few of them in the past…I have to say that eHarm is more my speed. I work a lot, including 3 nights until 9pm minimum every week. This cuts out time for dating, as most people meet up after work, and also by the time I get out of work, the last thing I want to do is sit in front of a computer searching through hordes of profiles. As @dailykayla so eloquently put it, I just want to drink wine and watch my shows when I get home! lol

eHarm sends about 6-ish matches each day (you can request more sometimes), and I can handle looking at that number of profiles. 20+ is just too much like work for me at this point in my life.

Also, it was relatively cheap for 6months when I looked into it so I figured if I was going to do it…might as well save myself some dough. I paid $100 for 6months which I think is reasonable seeing as some sites are like $30/month-range. Like I said, if nothing else, tumblr will be able to belly laugh along with me as I continue to be the queen of the awkward moment.